Back to School with Evangelical Jesus

Posted on September 6, 2020


Jesus Loves the Little Leaflet…Go, Leaflet!

It’s Back-to-School Season, and Evangelical Jesus visits Treehouse High to advise His disciples of His goals and expectations for this academic year. He addresses students, parents, teachers, coaches, club advisors, administrators–even the School Resource Officer–AKA the Cop-calling them into His service as fishers of (white, CIS, hetero) sheep. 

He says, Before we proceed, I want to set some ground rules. Get this straight! Jesus is not a timid guy, He, like his Dad, is an angry Bro-Dude, a powerful guy who rules the sky, and he’s here to dominate! Remember how He withered that Fig Tree when it didn’t give him fruit out of season?!?! Don’t be that fig!

He leads the crowd in the Lealet Jesus Cheer. 

Say it wth me: Jesus is privileged;  Jesus is entitled; give Him what He wants now! Go, Leaflets!

Jesus Rules

The Deity’s Dresscode: Wear Jesus-Jewelry and a Jesus-Tee for Me!! 

Whether you are a student or a teacher, wear jewelry that features the cross where I died at all times. If you are a student, As often as possible, wear tee shirts with Bible verses on them and  advertisements for My Dad, and the organizations associated with Us.

Whenever you feel like it, shout loudly in class–any class, “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!” When you receive a disciplinary referral for your outburst, let it be known  that you are a victim of Christian persecution!

Dad Bless ‘MeriKKKa

During the Pledge of Allegiance, shout the phrase, “Under God” loudly. And proudly. When you are asked to stop this behavior, claim you did it for “no reason.”

End the morning announcements with the phrase, “God Bless America.” When you are directed to refrain from promoting religion over the public-address system, deny that the phrase has any religious meaning at all.

Use the morning announcements in December to proselytize in My Name by playing Christian hymns and songs before Daily Announcements.

Sign up for a World Mythology class. Agree, along with your classmates, that you are able to discuss any and all other punk-ass, supernatural beings without attacking anyone or breaking the protocols of civil discourse. When the teacher begins the first unit, Creation Myths, have an angry outburst at the idea that the myth where My Dad created the world  is not given special treatment, because it’s The One True Creation Myth!. Behave with rage and disrespect, spew insults at the teacher, until she asks you to leave the classroom. When the counselor removes you from the class because of your behavior, give the teacher the silent scowl every time you see her until you graduate.

Righteous Readers for Jesus!

Bring your Bible to English class and read it when you know it’s against the rules. When you are called out to put the Bible away during instructional time, rage against the injustice and let it be known that your religious freedoms are being curtailed!

Bring your Bible to English class and read it during independent reading… but don’t really read it; put your phone inside the Bible and play a video game or go on social media. When the teacher is okay with you reading the Bible and you are unable to spark conflict that leads you to rage against the injustice and let it be known that your religious freedoms are being curtailed!…Quietly give up on the idea of reading the Bible, because it is incomprehensible–and you don’t know how to complete class assignments with it.

Always Talk Me Up!

In class discussions, preface any comment by saying, “From my perspective as a Christian….”

In literature class, anytime a reference to footprints appears as a figure of speech, try to convince your classmates that those are my footprints and I was carrying someone.

If you study the play, The Crucible, by that atheist Arthur Miller, in literature class, angrily proclaim that the harsh portrayal of Christians in the play is completely unfair and you are enraged about it because you serve a god of love.

If you study For the Time Being by Annie Dillard in IB literature, ask your teacher, “Is it even legal for us to read this book? What if we start to think differently from our parents?”  Vociferously deny that there is a long literary tradition of Christian writers exploring the topics of doubt, like the author, Annie Dillard, a practicing Christian.

If you study the play, Inherit the Wind, by Lawrence & Lee, in literature class, angrily proclaim that the harsh depiction of Christians in the play is completely unfair. Argue with others about the Theory of Evolution by Natural Selection. Redefine the term “theory” and replace scientific evidence with myths and religious doctrine. When the law prohibits you from outright refuting Darwin’s work, be sure to minimize and discredit it as much as you are able.

Don’t silently pray to Me during mindfulness practice. Use your phone or disrupt the practice of classmates with behaviors such as communicating with others, moving, tapping, talking, humming–anything at all to show that people tending to their own wellness is offencive to Me. 

Special Topic: Evangelical Jesus Hates the GSA 

If you are the principal of a high school, place numerous obstacles in front of the students who wish to start a Gay-Straight Alliance. Only agree to respect the rights of the students when a lawyer from the MI ACLU informs you that you are violating their Civil Rights. Try to intimidate students–one last time–by demanding that any student who wishes to attend the inaugural meeting must sign up in the counseling office three days ahead of time.
If you are a student, when you see the posters for Gay -Straight Alliance meetings in the hall, tear them from the walls and throw them into the wastebasket. 

If you are in charge of the Homecoming parade, be sure to make the Gay-Straight Alliance follow the trailer that carries the football team. Ignore the request of the Gay-Straight Alliance advisor to place the GSA in a safe space behind the Marching Band, which is led by an LGBTQ ally. 

If you are a football player, and the Gay-Straight Alliance marches behind you in the Homecoming parade, throw candy at the members of the club with as much force as you can muster, leaving them with welts and bruises, reminding them Who My Disciples Are! Go, Leaflets!

Jesus Even Polices the Police

If you are the school Resource Officer, and a member of the Gay-Straight Alliance asks you to sign an Ally Pledge, refuse.

Jesus Preaches to the Leaflet Parents!

When your child learns about the brain chemistry when they’re under stress, and they are allowed to try a number of techniques to handle stress so that it won’t harm them, go to the classroom and angrily attack the teacher in My Name. Indignantly insist that silently breathing deeply for five minutes invites demons to enter a student’s soul. Demand that all students are denied the opportunity to improve their well-being with Mindfulness techniques because I say so. If the teacher shows you a poster of the human brain and tries to explain how the brain’s chemicals and structures react while under stress and during deep breathing, stand up and shout angrily, You are harassing me! When you fail to intimidate the teacher into doing  your bidding, instruct your children to disrupt the Mindfulness practices of their classmates at every opportunity. When anyone suggests that your child could simply use that time to commune with Me, let it be known that you are a victim of Christian persecution!

Demand that any depictions of rainbows be removed from the classroom walls. Rainbows belong to My Dad.

If your child eavesdrops on another student’s conversation with a teacher, and the teacher reveals, in response to a direct question, that they do not worship and bow to Me, threaten the teacher and their job for not perpetuating your religion in a public school.

If your child studies the novel, Ceremony by Leslie Marmon Silko, a novel about a Navajo man who suffers from PTSD after having served in combat in the US military overseas, cherry-pick passages of the book to be offended by and complain about, and contact the IB administrator to complain. When the administrator explains to you that in the IB Program, literature students study literature at the college level, and that the works studied are selected from the IB Literature List, and that in the IB program, a main tenant is the idea that “other ideas may also be right,” and agrees to discuss the matter with you–as soon as you read the entire novel–let it be known that you are a victim of Christian persecution. 

Thy Kingdom Come: Jesus Teaches Teachers

If you teach Biology, where the law prohibits you from outright refuting Darwin’s work, be sure to minimize and discredit it as much as you are able. Talk about your place of worshipping Me more than you talk about evolution.

If you are a Music teacher, use the music program to proselytize in My Name by selecting as many Christian hymns, songs, and compositions as possible. Do not concern yourself with representation of a diverse music tradition; act as if be Christian music tradition is the only one worth knowing about on earth.

When a member of the Gay-Straight Alliance asks you to put up a poster that states that your classroom is a safe space for all students, refuse.

Advising Advisors

If you are the Yearbook advisor, erase the identities of LGBTQ students by printing the letters GSA instead of the name of the club, Gay-Straight Alliance (21 characters). Claim that you are saving space on the page, but contradict yourself by printing the entire name of the National Honor Society  (22 characters). 

If you are an advisor to Student Leadership, make sure to choose unconstitutional religious entities as the recipients of your effort at charity while promoting My Birthday throughout the month of December. When you’re held to account to follow the law and the United States Constitution regarding Public Schools coercing students to donate money to religious institutions, rage about how you are suffering from Christian persecution!

When you are the advisor to the Club for Christian Athletes, make sure to use instructional time in class to conduct the business of the club. When you are called to account for unconstitutionally conducting religious organization business during instructional time in the classroom, let it be known that you are a victim of Christian persecution!

Jesus Coaches Coaches

Forget about what the Bible says about my Dad hating public prayer! Get out there on that football field, demand that the players kneel around you, and make a very public prayer to My Father in My Name at the football game. When you are held to account for unconstitutionally leading prayer at a public school and abusing your power as a coach,  let it be known that you are a victim of Christian persecution!

Jesus Admonishes Administrators

If you are the superintendent of schools, erase the identities of non-Christian faculty members by declaring that they may no longer speak of their identity under threat of disciplinary action.

Jesus Returns 

I will be back if I see you need more Divine Direction, but I have many other districts with My Disciples awaiting My Back-To-School Word. I must go. Before I leave you, let Me lead you once again in the Lealet Jesus Cheer. 

Say it wth me: Jesus is privileged;  Jesus is entitled; give Him what He wants now! Go, Leaflets!

Jesus Rules!!!!!!

And with that, he disappeared, like a thief in the night. 

lisa eddy is a writer-for-hire, researcher, educator, advocate,  musician, and gardener.

On Twitter: @lisa_eddy

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